June 14, 2010

yes, i ate an in-n-out 8x8

any good californian knows that in-n-out has a secret menu.  if you want a double cheeseburger, you can order a double double off the regular menu, but if you're looking for more, the secret menu will get you a 3x3, a 4x4, and so on.  i (somewhat arbitrarily) decided that i could eat an 8x8, and made it a short term life goal.  the self-imposed rules were that i had to finish it in under 30 minutes, and i had to keep it down all day.  although i entered the in-n-out in westwood village with some trepidation, i achieved that goal today.

in case you're not familiar with the 8x8*, i'll give you a rundown of its contents:  8 patties, 8 cheeses, lettuce, tomato, and grilled onions on a bun.  (i don't get sauce on my burger regularly, so i didn't here either.)

i'm proud to say, i finished it in less than 25 minutes:

* for the record, in-n-out no longer allows you to order anything bigger than a 4x4, so i had to order two "flying dutchmen" (two meats, two cheeses) and assemble my own 8x8.  extra gross.

June 10, 2010

no homo

i love brian safi's CurrentTV show that's gay, and in response to my post on bridge over troubled lyrics, my buddy richmond shared this video gem breaking down the versatility of the phrase "no homo."

clarification: lil wayne is not gay for himself

(i'm a contributor over at the new blog bridge over troubled lyrics.  here's a reposting of my first post calling attention to the nuances of weezy's sexuality)

He's so sweet, make her wanna lick the (w)rapper
- Lil Wayne,"Lollipop"

In what may be one of the most beautiful double entrendres in the history of pop rap (or "prap" as perennial phrase-coiner Zoe calls it), Lil Wayne constructs this witty adulation of his own sexual appeal.  Of course, it is a surprise to no one that the "he" of which he speaks is, indeed, himself -- undeniably, the sweetest of all rappers.  But, in this day and age of rampant homosexuality and ambiguous preferences, a true street thug must take care to caveat all compliments directed at a member of the same sex.  Accordingly, if you listen closely, you'll hear Weezy throw in a quick "no homo" before complimenting himself.  Good thing he made that clarification, because we all know: if a man compliments a man (even if it's himself), he's totes a homo.

June 7, 2010

game recognize game

as i've said in a previous post, my friend erin and i both read "the game" by neil strauss and developed a bit of a fascination with the society of so-called pick-up artists.  erin has had several satisfying opportunities to call guys out when they use tactics from the book, and i'd like to share her most recent one:

the scene:  bookstore.  random guy approaches.
guy:   hey, so i'm taking a flight soon [creating false time constraint], and i need a book to read on the plane.  what's the best book you've read recently? [opener to get the target talking]
erin:  i have a book rec you might enjoy.  it's called the game.  although somehow, i bet you've read it.
guy:  [displays look of shock, buries face in his hands]

nice neg, erin.

make homosexuals marry

justin long and mike white team up as david and glenn in a delightful political satire.  this is definitely NSFW.

my starbucks name is monica

i have an alter ego.  she makes all my dinner reservations and calls the taxi company for early morning rides to the airport.  her name is monica, and i call her my starbucks name.

the etymology stems from the need to give your name when you place an order at the coffee shop.  i guess it's easier to yell than, "decaf, grande, one-pump skinny vanilla latte."  the problem is that anneke, the dutch diminutive for ann (like anita or annie), is not a traditional american name, which causes a host of problems at the register.  other uniquely-named folks, you feel my pain.

i learned as a child that, when yelled, "monica" sounds a lot like "anneke" (there was a monica on my swim team), so i've adopted it as a service-seeking pseudonym.  why do i do this?  well, if i give my real name, invariably, the barista will think i have said "monica" anyway.  if she does happen to hear me correctly, she'll then ask how to spell it, and i'm faced with the same dilemma all over again -- do i give a phonetic spelling or do i continue my strict adherence to the truth, thus causing more confusion and much consternation for the poor guy who has to try to pronounce my name later?  i'd rather just avoid the whole debacle.

i have a friend who also has an unusual name (his name is cullen, which was less common before the vampire craze) who consistently chastises me for forsaking my individuality in pursuit of smoother transactions. whenever he gives the maitre d' his real name, he'll cast a satisfied look my way.  usually the response is:  "okay, colin for two.  we'll call you when your table's ready."

but maybe cullen is onto something.  on occasion, they get his name right, and it's strangely satisfying -- a tiny triumph for creative parents everywhere.  and, i guess you never know when giving your real name might yield a funny story.  my friend dustin once ordered a coffee and gave his name.  "justin?" the cashier asked.  "no, dustin. with a D," he explained.  he moved down the counter, picked up his order, and saw the name on the cup:  JUSTIND.